The other day I posted a picture of my fabulously developed ass and legs. I apologize for my new found arrogance but I can’t help but be obsessed with my growing ass. Anyway, one of my friends from college commented on the picture asking if there was any other motivation behind my training aside from doing this for myself. I sat there for about a good minute before I could answer that question. What has been motivating me never really crossed my mind and she really got me thinking.
When I first made the decision to compete it really stemmed from vanity. I wanted to be buff and look good, end of story. However as time went on I discovered a whole new side of myself. But in order for me to get there I had to open up old wounds in order to get to the good place. It was hard, really hard. I felt lonely, psychotic, depressed, the whole world seemed to be against me in my eyes. I had little motivation and my training was not consistent. In working with my sports psychologist I was able to work through these things. These issues are still present and I’m still in the process of healing, however I am in a better place and am learning to reframe my thoughts.
When I was able to get there, which I would honestly say clicked about a month ago, everything changed. I began to love my training and the diet was getting easier. I was pushing myself harder every day in the gym and leaving looking like I just came out of pool. Life seemed brighter and new friendships started developing. All of a sudden I was not alone in this sport; I had teammates!
These girls have made each day a little bit easier. We may not be able to work out with each other because we live in different states; however we have each others back and root each other daily. It’s nice to be able to share the excitement of rice cakes and new random bland recipes with each other. Also, I will actually be competing with Amy & Lauren in August. And even though there is only one first place trophy, there is still a sense of camaraderie and support we have for each other. Honestly, it is just exciting to be on that stage with the bodies we worked so hard for and that is a prize in itself.
Something I started on my own was buying a planner; this thing is my life. I write down inspiration quotes, notes on Buddhism, blog ideas, schedule out all my priorities with this sport…etc. I also keep my gym journal in there. I keep track of my diet and work out plan and when I’m done I write down how I felt. Was this a “first call out” work out or did I not even come close to making the cut? And most importantly, where was my head? Sometimes my mind is not in it and I need to write down why. I have a section in my journal for when I get the urge to cheat or skip the gym. This usually comes from some source of emotion and getting it out on paper seems to help. Not all the time, but I have a 50/50 change of making it through. This planner, my life, has allowed me to look back and realized how much progress I have made and that keeps me going.
Then there are you. Never in my life did I ever think I would receive the amount of support and love that I get on a daily basis from this blog and my goal itself. There have been days where I wanted to give up because just felt so guilty for my screw ups. I don’t know if it was a coincidence or planned by the universe but someone out there knew it was the right time to send me love. The encouraging messages I’ve gotten keep me going because I know you are rooting me on. I appreciate all the kind words that have been said by new friends, old friends and the people that don’t even know me outside this blog.
At the end of the day I am doing this for myself. I do it because it makes me feel good. Actually, it makes me feel amazing. Every day my love for my training grows stronger, my excitement for the stage becomes overwhelming and I cannot freaking wait to see what the outcome is going to be! I’ve found motivation coming from all areas of my life to keep going and I thank you for being a part of that!
With all my love,