My New Challenge

I’ve been MIA for a while, I know. Lately it has been hard to put my thoughts into words. I’ve been struggling with a lot of things that have effected my training but I’m still pushing through. I also switched coaches, which is a good thing but we can save that for another post.

What I want to talk about is the new challenge I’ve set for myself: no pictures or mirrors until 4 weeks out! Why? Because I’m becoming obsessed again. I’m obsessed with my body fat, obsessed with the 8 weeks left, obsessed with what I am “suppose” to look like and this obsession is creating anxiety which makes me want to eat. The more I want to eat, the more I do eat, the more I do eat, the more guilt and anxiety I created and the cycle repeats because I only have 8 weeks left.

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I’m losing the fun part of training and before this gets bad I made the decision to cover the mirror in my room and will not take any pics until 4 weeks out to see my progress. And I’ll continue till I get to the show. I’ll still need the mirror for posing, so while I am at home ill pose in black leggings and tank top so i can only see my silhouette and won’t focus on “what needs to go”. At posing practice I will be in a bikini but I’m going to just have to do my best in that situation.

Thanks again for all the support! This would be ten times harder without you!!!

xoxo
Kristine

Irrational Thinking

I can’t help but feel insecure. I’m 11 weeks out and I’m freaking myself out. I’m retaining a lot of water which messes with my head and it’s pissing me off. I know it’s temporary but it doesn’t help me think clearly.

I look in the mirror and all I see this skinny-fat, scrawny, wannabe, that will never make it to the stage. I know, I know. You don’t need to lecture me on how ridiculous my thoughts are. I am aware that they are unrealistic, i get it.

Last week I made mistakes and this week I am back on track. However it doesn’t take away the anxiety of me wanting to starve myself and skip meals or binging and then going for a long run. I’m in my head, I know. But I can’t help it. I am having a moment.

xoxo
Kristine

Relentless Forward Motion

Oh kids…mommy had a break down.

I don’t know if it is because I’ve reopened unresolved issues with my sports psychologist and now my hidden emotions have resurfaced or if it is because my damn period is all thrown off and my hormones are out of control.  It could be a combo of both but I am pretty sure the first one plays a heavy toll on how I have been feeling the past couple days.

This cloud has been hanging over my head since last week and each day it got darker and darker.  Saturday I semi snapped and cheated on my diet. I was able to bounce back but it was a wavering fight.  But yesterday, oh yesterday…the crazy came out and I was at a point of no return. I felt like the same person I was months ago and I completely abused my body with straight starvation and an ungly binge.

After my beating I came home and metaphorically curled up in fetal position as my inner mean girl continue to kick me above the ear, nose and throat. (That’s a line from “Will & Grace” by the way. Best. Show. Ever.)  And as I laid in my bed mentally sobbing I stumbled across this on Instagram…

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I read it and stopped breathing, literally. I’ve never felt so inspired by a quote before. Yea, I’ve related to quotes before, but this one….this one punched me in the gut and has left a mark.

This morning I got up, unmotivated, but continued the motions in getting ready for my fasted cardio.  And through the process I remembered this pictured and I thought back on how I have lived my life.  I had two choices: I could stay this girl, this mean ugly girl, or find a way to kick that bitch in face with new-found muscular legs.

and well…

I knocked that motha fucka out…She ain’t winning this one! Boop!

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xoxo

Kristine

What Motivates Me?

The other day I posted a picture of my fabulously developed ass and legs. I apologize for my new found arrogance but I can’t help but be obsessed with my growing ass. Anyway, one of my friends from college commented on the picture asking if there was any other motivation behind my training aside from doing this for myself. I sat there for about a good minute before I could answer that question. What has been motivating me never really crossed my mind and she really got me thinking.

When I first made the decision to compete it really stemmed from vanity. I wanted to be buff and look good, end of story. However as time went on I discovered a whole new side of myself. But in order for me to get there I had to open up old wounds in order to get to the good place. It was hard, really hard. I felt lonely, psychotic, depressed, the whole world seemed to be against me in my eyes. I had little motivation and my training was not consistent. In working with my sports psychologist I was able to work through these things. These issues are still present and I’m still in the process of healing, however I am in a better place and am learning to reframe my thoughts.

When I was able to get there, which I would honestly say clicked about a month ago, everything changed. I began to love my training and the diet was getting easier. I was pushing myself harder every day in the gym and leaving looking like I just came out of pool. Life seemed brighter and new friendships started developing. All of a sudden I was not alone in this sport; I had teammates!

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These girls have made each day a little bit easier. We may not be able to work out with each other because we live in different states; however we have each others back and root each other daily. It’s nice to be able to share the excitement of rice cakes and new random bland recipes with each other. Also, I will actually be competing with Amy & Lauren in August. And even though there is only one first place trophy, there is still a sense of camaraderie and support we have for each other. Honestly, it is just exciting to be on that stage with the bodies we worked so hard for and that is a prize in itself.

Something I started on my own was buying a planner; this thing is my life. I write down inspiration quotes, notes on Buddhism, blog ideas, schedule out all my priorities with this sport…etc. I also keep my gym journal in there. I keep track of my diet and work out plan and when I’m done I write down how I felt. Was this a “first call out” work out or did I not even come close to making the cut? And photo7most importantly, where was my head?  Sometimes my mind is not in it and I need to write down why. I have a section in my journal for when I get the urge to cheat or skip the gym. This usually comes from some source of emotion and getting it out on paper seems to help. Not all the time, but I have a 50/50 change of making it through. This planner, my life, has allowed me to look back and realized how much progress I have made and that keeps me going.

Then there are you. Never in my life did I ever think I would receive the amount of support and love that I get on a daily basis from this blog and my goal itself. There have been days where I wanted to give up because just felt so guilty for my screw ups. I don’t know if it was a coincidence or planned by the universe but someone out there knew it was the right time to send me love. The encouraging messages I’ve gotten keep me going because I know you are rooting me on. I appreciate all the kind words that have been said by new friends, old friends and the people that don’t even know me outside this blog.

At the end of the day I am doing this for myself. I do it because it makes me feel good. Actually, it makes me feel amazing. Every day my love for my training photo3grows stronger, my excitement for the stage becomes overwhelming and I cannot freaking wait to see what the outcome is going to be! I’ve found motivation coming from all areas of my life to keep going and I thank you for being a part of that!

With all my love,
Kristine

This is about to get ugly up in herre…

I mean duck for covers ugly. Fine, I am being dramatic but I’ve finally made the decision to start posting progress pics. Like taking back to when I first started progress pics. Honestly, this is incredibly difficult to do. The thought of clicking that submit button makes me cringe.  And it isn’t because I don’t like the way my body looked a few months ago but it is what my body represented.  Seeing my pictures remind me of all the emotional and mental abuse I put myself through, the pain I was harboring and the people that let me down. Plus, who wants to share pics of themselves when they feel like they look like a chubby monkey whether that is true or not.    

These pics date back from March when I started with my new coach. Even though I began this journey in January,  I think my mental progress kicked in with her.  Before I go ahead and show this pictures, let me procrastinate just a little more.
There are a couple things I’ve learned in measuring progress; the scale, tape measures and any tools to measure your body fat are toys for the devil.  I had an obsession with the scale for many years and I would hate it for calling me fat.  It practically yelled “FATTY” every time I was near it.  I finally got it wrapped around my head that the scale was not a way to measure my progress. Even though this is something I now know, I would still get trapped in getting pissed when I didn’t see my weight move.  My weight has yet to change by the way. 
Recently I became obsessed with my tape measure. I swear that thing must stretch out every night because according to those numbers nothing had moved.  For a few weeks I got smaller in places that I wanted to see but then it stopped.  You mean to tell me after all this fish and nights of sweating at the gym that my waist didn’t get smaller?  Piece of garbage I tell ya!  I even went as far as to record my measurements on my calendar so I can see the 1/8 of inch change and it drove me absolutely insane. 
Then there was my body fat calculator app on my phone. Great idea, get an app that tells me how much body FAT I have and obsess about that. Brilliant! I’ve never used calipers and I just plugged in my info and let the phone do the work. According to that my body fat slloooooooooowlly went down. It never moved fast enough and knowing I was at about 25% and needed to get to 12 max, but preferably lower, was enough to make me binge on ice cream.  I drove myself insane with these tools and it distracted me from really appreciate the progress I was making and remembering that it is all a work in progress.
I focused so hard on the end result and compared it to what I saw on paper that I felt like my hard work was useless. Yet at the same time my boobs got smaller, my ass was picking up, my body was defining, so why didn’t these measurements confirm what I could see?
Thank goodness for our vein society that selfies are totally in. Pictures have been my best reminder of my progress and have also been my slap in the face when I’ve cheated. Yesterday I took my first ab shot and decided it looked good enough to put on Facebook.  I got such great feedback it made me wonder, “do I really look that different?”  I went ahead and put some pics side by side and was floored that this was my body!  

Seeing the change has finally given me the confidence that I WILL be ready for the stage and I cannot wait to see what my pics will look like a month from now. So kids, I’ve thrown out the devil’s toys and am going to continue to find the strength within in me to do this because this bitch will be buff! 

Without further adieu, here is my progress….

xoxo 
Kristine



Good things up ahead

I wanted to check in with my squirrelfriends and let you know what has been going on.  I feel like it has been a minute since my voice was last heard. 
This week has taken an interesting turn.  I thought I would be dragging ass due to the fact that my birthday is coming up and I was bummed out about some things. And let’s be clear, it has nothing to do with getting older; I actually love birthdays.  But something happened mentally –  I feel like I’ve finally jump my first hurdle through this challenge.  I’ve finally crossed the line of leaving the old Kristine behind and working with the new one.  I am sure there are many other hurdles a head but some where at the finish line I can see this buff bitch waiting to meet me.  With that said, I’ve felt strong with my diet and work outs.  I can feel myself pushing more each day and I am surprised to learn how strong I really am. And thanks to my new bikini friends, Jonna, Amy and Lauren, their support is helping me get through some of the harder days.  By the way, you’ll be meeting Amy and Lauren soon.  Fun Fact: I’m competing with them in August!
I also want to thank everyone who has been supporting me through this.  Some of you have made your presence known with sending messages and comments on my facebook.  Others have been more silent and just read my blog every week or like the link.  Either way, I know you are there and I really appreciate the support and love.  You are also a reason why I am able to keep pushing on. Thank you!
In other news – I’ve been given this fun opportunity that I am dying to share.  It’s not that I can’t but I want to wait till I have a date & not “jinx” it.  But I’ll tell you this – I am going to be writing an article for an online magazine! 
What?! Huh? You?!
YES ME!!
I’m still working out the kinks of my topic but it will be competition/prepping related. There are so many directions to go with this article so it is a matter of figuring out which is the best  one.  I plan to have it submitted this weekend but I will definitely keep you posted as to when and where it can be read.
Well kids, it is time I leave you and get some rest.  My body is still exhausted from yesterday’s leg day and I just wrapped up this morning’s cardio.  I need to chillax so I can be beautifully rested for my day of birth tomorrow. Woop Woop! Peace out girl scouts!
xoxo
Kristine

At a wall

I think today was the first day I seriously contemplated quitting.  I’m not, but I really thought about it.  Mentally my head is all over. I’m not focused and I have a lot of negativity surrounding me.  I am allowing a lot of negativity surround me. 

Work is killing me and I feel useless 40 hours a week. My birthday is coming up and I have funky feelings over that for many reasons.  One of them being is that the people I would have called to celebrate ..well…they aren’t really a part of my life any more to be blunt and that still bothers me. I feel like all the progress I have made in my life has me now standing at a plateau. And just like with my damn metabolism I have to figure something out to revamp the momentum.

On top of all the mental fuckery the diet has finally gotten to me.  I literally gagged towards the end of meal #4 which was my fish.  I keep saying in my head that I want to feel like a normal person; a person who doesn’t worry about every calorie, carb, sugar or fat that goes into my mouth. A person that doesn’t have to be at the gym twice a day because I am trying so hard to lose fat and gain muscle.

Then I remember I can be that “normal” person if I want.  Nobody is making me to be abnormal. I can be that person that has once again failed at another fitness goal. Or that person that has allowed a relationship/friendship to dictate my feelings, my self worth and confidence of what I have to offer as a person.  Of course I can go back to being that “normal” person that embraced the feeling loneliness and defeat and watch life pass me by.  I can still be that person that says, “…one day..” or “…tomorrow”.  Yea, I can be that person again. Easily.

Mentally I’ve hit a wall and this is where I can chose to stop and turn around or just keep on going. I am not going back to the person I use to be. I need to stop looking behind me because everything and everyone has been put back there for a reason. Up ahead is the life that I have always wanted and if my past wants to ever join me again then they have my number, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter,  and Email (thank you social media) .   As much as I allow work to suck the best out of me, I know this is all happening for a reason.  Unfortunately, I cannot see it yet nor can I be thankful for it, but one day I will be able to look back and laugh.  And while I am laughing everyone will be staring at my 6 pack contract because I will not, cannot, and won’t quit.

Now I just have to figure out a way to shake the funk….

xoxo
Kristine