Oh kids…mommy had a break down.
I don’t know if it is because I’ve reopened unresolved issues with my sports psychologist and now my hidden emotions have resurfaced or if it is because my damn period is all thrown off and my hormones are out of control. It could be a combo of both but I am pretty sure the first one plays a heavy toll on how I have been feeling the past couple days.
This cloud has been hanging over my head since last week and each day it got darker and darker. Saturday I semi snapped and cheated on my diet. I was able to bounce back but it was a wavering fight. But yesterday, oh yesterday…the crazy came out and I was at a point of no return. I felt like the same person I was months ago and I completely abused my body with straight starvation and an ungly binge.
After my beating I came home and metaphorically curled up in fetal position as my inner mean girl continue to kick me above the ear, nose and throat. (That’s a line from “Will & Grace” by the way. Best. Show. Ever.) And as I laid in my bed mentally sobbing I stumbled across this on Instagram…
I read it and stopped breathing, literally. I’ve never felt so inspired by a quote before. Yea, I’ve related to quotes before, but this one….this one punched me in the gut and has left a mark.
This morning I got up, unmotivated, but continued the motions in getting ready for my fasted cardio. And through the process I remembered this pictured and I thought back on how I have lived my life. I had two choices: I could stay this girl, this mean ugly girl, or find a way to kick that bitch in face with new-found muscular legs.
I knocked that motha fucka out…She ain’t winning this one! Boop!
I have been having a difficult time staying positive lately. All the mental clutter has been bringing me down and I have been allowing this stress to cloud my goal. The truth is I’ve never handled challenges in my life well at all which has resorted to years of self-abuse. I’ve abused myself physically and mentally and just all around tortured myself in mental prison.
I can’t tell you how many self-help/inspirational books I’ve read and I’ve loved every single one of them. But it takes the individual to be ready to actually receive this kind of information and to be mentally free of all negative thoughts. My decision to compete just “came to me”. It was something I had been wanting to do and one day I woke up and I was ready. My goals for competing was at first pure vanity but eventually morphed into a life changing transformation. I was not only ready to compete, but I was ready to work on escaping this prison.
Everything happens for a reason.
This morning I woke up feeling crappy and negative. It was a mood that had been following me for a week and I couldn’t shake it. I’ve been reading a lot on Buddhism, trying to connect to my spiritual self, and finally made the decision to meditated. That was not a walk in the park let me tell you. Trying to quiet your mind is extremely difficult especially when negative thoughts flow through like water through a river. I probably accomplished a moment of silence for 5 secs, but those 5 secs made a huge difference.
I felt calm, at peace and was ready to hit the gym. I decided to wear the brightest gym apparel I own since I usually wear black. I love black and my prissy side hates visible sweat stains. I got over the priss and realized how good it felt to be in bright colors and seeing the benefits of my hard work was a nice bonus. By the way, Is anyone else noticing the shape in my legs? No? Ok, well I do…heey guuurrll 😉
This gym sesh was probably the best I had ever had; I was focused and motivated. My mentality had switched from negative to positive and I felt open to receiving good things to come into my life. After the gym something happened where I felt disappointment by multiple people who I would consider close to be me and I quickly bounced back to old habits.
I was pissed. I was pissed because of the disappointment and pissed at myself for letting other people bring me down. Even though I had a moment that I didn’t like I was able to get out of it faster then the Old Kristine would have. This training has opened my eyes to a lot of things and it has made me reevaluate what it is I am trying to accomplish in my life and who is going to be apart of it. As difficult as it is changes will be made and people will be let go.
That’s just the way of the world, my world.
“Becoming a master means willingness to let go of whatever isn’t working in your life. Letting go of the familiar is hard.”
The past couple days have been frustrating only because I want to see certain results. I’ve been going at this for about 6 weeks now and I feel like I should be looking different than I do. However, I am working with a new coach, on a different diet, an overall new plan and I actually think this is better than the first and yet I expect to look stage ready…like now. It is funny how hard we are on ourselves that we don’t celebrate the smaller victories.
Take my arms for example. They are still measly little arms but in the last month they grew a whole inch. Not only that, I can see my shoulders starting to develop. I mean, I can only really see my arms shaping up when I move them a certain way, but the point is that wasn’t there before. High five!
Or how about the fact that I’ve been waking up every morning at 5:30 to do my cardio and then come home after work to lift. At my first check in my coach wanted me to now do two sessions of cardio, one in the morning and the other at night, on top of my weights. I’m more than half way through with the week and I haven’t thought twice about it. I’d say that’s a victory.
Today at work we had a potluck and everyone brought everything I love. I swear they all got together, figured out my favorite foods and brought it all in to torture me but I didn’t budge. I wanted to and I almost had anxiety over it, but I stayed true to my goals. That is not just a victory, that calls for a celebration!
The fact is as much as I expect more it doesn’t mean I am not getting results. It is hard to keep that in mind when I don’t see the muscle I want, but it doesn’t mean it won’t happen in time. To be great at anything it takes practice and all these little victories are going to add up to the big win and that is what matters. Persistence, dedication, lots of sweat and maybe some panic attacks will get me closer to my goal as each day passes.
So Kristine, calm the hell down. You are better than you were yesterday!