I have a brow to pick with you

I am not really sure when this pet peeve developed, but nothing irritates me more than jacked up eyebrows.  Whether it be on a man or woman, retarded brows can really chap my ass.
                                                                  Pencil Brows

I have to say I am a fan of Megan Good’s beauty (notice I say beauty, not acting).  This girl is stunning. Cheek bones, smile, lips, her eyes… I mean God really put some nice features together.  But good Lord, those eye brows…I hate PENCIL BROWS! I know there are women who don’t have the full brow gene, but that does not mean it is acceptable to look like you took a marker across your face.  I hate  when I look at a women’s face and think to myself  “did she shave all her brow hair and use pencil or is that a tattoo?”  It drives me insane. My old bitch of a boss had the worst pencil brows and they were in a hideous rainbow arch shape. I think her eye brows made me hate her even more. Whore.

The Unruly Brow
These women are actually lucky that they have so much hair to play with it.  I am sure some may see nothing wrong with this, but I cannot stand the hair stragglers.  Jesus Christ, take a small comb and trim the bitches.  You wouldn’t believe the difference it makes when you trim the hair. I do it and when I am done I look like a new woman. Seriously, it makes a differences. So girls if you have fluffy brows, take a brow comb and comb the hair up in their their natural direction. Which ever hair strands are sticking out above your brow shape, CUT IT! The End.

It is 2013 so why are there still unibrows?  Let me tell you something, I love Travis McCoy. I think his edge and “I don’t give a shit” look is quite sexy. I love the tattys, piercings, nappy hair and the “I haven’t showered in 5 days” look on him.  Not everyone can pull this off but it works for him.  I guess you can say he is my brown version of Johnny Depp.  I also met him once at MTV’s New Years Eve party and he touched my arm and oh my god, I almost passed out like a Michael Jackson fan.  Anyway, that’s not the point. He is sexy but the extra hair has got to go.  Just because I find him attractive doesn’t make his eye brows are any less irritating. Wax, thread, pluck, singe them off for all I care, but do something about it.  
Speaking of doing something about….

Overdone Brows
I know some men are genetically “gifted” with lots of eye brow hair and I use the word gifted loosely.  I can really appreciate when a man grooms his face because it shows that he cares and not grooming is never really an option.  I don’t know if it was The Gays that started the trend and the “metros” just jumped on the band wagon, but unless you are trying to go with a feminine look then you need to know when to put down the tweezers.
  1. If your eye brow shape is better than mine, meaning more define and precise, then put the tweezers down.
  2. If you are naturally dark, like the guy above, and after you have done your brows and the skin surrounding your new brow shape is lighter than the rest of your face, then you have gone too far.  Put the tweezers down.
  3. If you have to let your eye brow hair grow out to get it waxed or threaded and the stubbies are clearly visible. Put the damn tweezers down.
  4. There is a reason why those two images feature Hispanic men.  I am not sure what happened to my people, but some where in the process of Americanizing our Hispanic culture we have come across the overly pretty Hispanic men.  So if you are mocha and you do your brows, please take a look in the mirror. Put. The. Tweezers. Down.
Please America, take care of your eyebrows.  They are the first thing people see and the last thing people remember.  Your eye brows shape your look and you will be harshly judged. If you are a masculine man then maintain some masculine eye brows.  If you are a woman with little hair, do your best to make them look natural and if you cannot draw, get a freakin stencil or have someone do it for you. But do not leave your house with permanent angry eye brows or squigglies because it is just not cute. #hotmess.org
Well I feel better now….

The day I got my boob

I’m sure every adult remembers praying for some ridiculous thing as a kid; like a unicorn or a castle. When I was six years old I prayed every night to be 5’8” with big boobs. God can attest to this.  The only other ridiculous thing I ever prayed for was to meet Michael Jackson because I was convinced I was going to marry him.  I am still very disappointed over this failed prayer but that is another long post to share.

Now I don’t consider myself much of a religious person.  In fact, I have my doubts about this God man everyone talks about. I do believe there is a higher power and I think only reason why I have that belief is well, guess what? I’m 5’8” with big boobs! Obviously somebody was listening. Now if I had only prayed for an ass…

I don’t why I was obsessed with being 5’8″. I some how knew that was a tall height and I thought my mom was tall and I wanted to be just like her (she is 5’1” by the way).  My obsession with boobs on the other hand came from my excitement for being a woman.  It was my dream to be able to wear high heels, fancy dresses and have big boobs to suffocate people with.

In my 6th grade health class we started to get “the talk”.  Not the sex talk, but the “your body is going to start changing” talk.  I was elated! We even got little brown paper gift bags with “secret” feminine products and I couldn’t wait for the day to be able to use my cute little pad. Seriously, what was I thinking?  My health teacher began to explain to us that when we start growing our little boobies we are going to notice this Lima Bean type mass under our breast.  I had no idea when or how this bean was going to pop up and I honestly didn’t even know what a Lima Bean was.   But I wasn’t worried because me and God had a deal.

Not too long after that chat, I was in the mall with my mom with my arms crossed when all of a sudden, “MOM! MOM! I HAVE A LIMA BEAN! I HAVE A LIMA BEAN!! LOOK! LOOK! TOUCH IT!” I was in the middle of the store, poking my child breast trying to prove to my mom I had a Lima bean.  My mom’s reaction was a mix of embarrassment and confusion. What the hell is a Lima bean?  Like, really?  Who tells their child that this legume is going to start growing under your skin?  That could be quite scary for young kids to hear.  As a mother, I am sure you can’t really ignore a child poking her breast and screaming Lima Bean.  So she rushed me into the changing room so I could shut up and show her my bean.

Man, I was so excited to be growing my boob. Yes, it was just one at the time; the left to be exact, and I could not wait to go home and tell my dad. The first thing that came out of my out of my mouth at the dinner table was, “Daddy, guess what? I’m growing….”

Dad: “Of course honey, you are growing…”

I sat there with my head held high and my Lima bean in the air.   My dad just looked at me in shock and almost choked on his food.  Apparently my mom kicked him under the table so he wouldn’t say something to crush my excitement and that point all he could do was Congratulate me. 

Ahhh…one of the happiest days of my life….the day I discovered my Lima bean. I stopped praying after that because I know these big knockers were coming in and would be taking the world by storm.  But the anticipation of my soon to be large breast were killing me.  Every night before I showered I stared at my profile in the mirror in my training bra.  I would suck in my stomach so my ribs would pop out and pull my pathetic bra under my ribs to give me the illusion of what boobs looked like in a bra. #truestory

Now when ever I suck in my stomach to check out my profile, it is only to see my imaginary wash board stomach.

Hmm…maybe I should start praying again?


Valentine’s Day

A day of love, chocolate, flowers and depression. If your are single, you most likely have the temptation of locking yourself in a closet while eating a pint of ice cream, then throw it all up and jump off your balcony to end your single life misery. But If you are in a relationship that day, you are that good friend holding her hair back as Suicide Sally throws up her chunky monkey. And who really cares if Sally jumps off the balcony. You have to get home to have passionate, sweaty, hot monkey love with your future ex-boyfriend.

Good old Valentine’s Day.

Well ladies and gays, if there is one thing you must know about me it is that I have developed a near rehab obsession with ecards. Those fantastic cards of sarcastic truth can really get me through the day. So before you find the sharpest knife in your kitchen drawer and the most transparent vein in your wrist, please enjoy some of my favorite Valentine’s ecards for your laughing pleasure.