Irrational Thinking

I can’t help but feel insecure. I’m 11 weeks out and I’m freaking myself out. I’m retaining a lot of water which messes with my head and it’s pissing me off. I know it’s temporary but it doesn’t help me think clearly.

I look in the mirror and all I see this skinny-fat, scrawny, wannabe, that will never make it to the stage. I know, I know. You don’t need to lecture me on how ridiculous my thoughts are. I am aware that they are unrealistic, i get it.

Last week I made mistakes and this week I am back on track. However it doesn’t take away the anxiety of me wanting to starve myself and skip meals or binging and then going for a long run. I’m in my head, I know. But I can’t help it. I am having a moment.

xoxo
Kristine

Yes, this really happened.

Oh kids, my 12 week mark was a hot mess. First off, 12 weeks is usually when everyone starts training so there really is no room for error and there was error written all over that week. My old mentality came back to haunt me and let me tell you, I am tired of talking about my god damn feelings with my SPC and I am tired of being angry, feeling hurt and wanting to straight up cut a bitch. But ya know, sometimes you just have to let go and let God. Wait, no…let go and let blog. Ah yes, much better.

Lately I have been noticing that with every let down I’ve face something good immediately follows after. It is really interesting how everything plays out and I am developing a new appreciation for life and my “plan”. I mean, just as you are hammering the last nail on that whore’s coffin another one opens.

Uhh…what?

Well, when you develop a relationship with someone you never really think that one day your feelings and what you would have defined as a “friendship” would have been left with little respect. I didn’t think “I never want to get on your bad side” was code for “I’ll avoid you because I don’t care enough but I will still like stuff on your facebook and act like we are cool.” I never really understood what was meant by my “bad side”. Don’t we all have a “bad side” or am I just the only one who doesn’t avoid something when it comes to fixing the issue even if the issue is one sided? Eh, but what do I know? That shit is dead any way so no point in figuring that out.

Side Rant: What the fuck is up with people liking the shit out of my facebook? Acting like they know my life but can’t acknowledge a bitch via cellular. Like hop off my dick, fuck nugget! Ain’t nobody got time for dat!

Anywho, in that same weekend of mass chaos and furry, I received a text from one of my teammates and new friend, a friend I’ve never met in person, letting me know that she has requested off work the same weekend of my competition. If she can get off from work, she plans on taking a trip out to come support my first time on stage. This little whore lives in San Diego and she is thinking of going to NJ to come watch my debut and visit her fam at the same time! It really is amazing the relationships that I’ve been developing through this training and the amount of support I have been receiving from girls I haven’t even met yet.

So here I am learning to let go (and let blog). Some people will just never be who they say they are or maybe they have been themselves all along and I refused to see it. Maybe I’ve changed; some may say for the worst and I may say go fuck yourself. I guess you just never really know a person until they like your shit on facebook.

 

xoxo

Kristine

 

Yes, this really happened.

Oh kids, my 12 week mark was a hot mess. First off, 12 weeks is usually when everyone starts training so there really is no room for error and there was error written all over that week. My old mentality came back to haunt me and let me tell you, I am tired of talking about my god damn feelings with my SPC and I am tired of being angry, feeling hurt and wanting to straight up cut a bitch. But ya know, sometimes you just have to let go and let God. Wait, no…let go and let blog. Ah yes, much better.

Lately I have been noticing that with every let down I’ve face something good immediately follows after. It is really interesting how everything plays out and I am developing a new appreciation for life and my “plan”. I mean, just as you are hammering the last nail on that whore’s coffin another one opens.

Uhh…what?

Well, when you develop a relationship with someone you never really think that one day your feelings and what you would have defined as a “friendship” would have been left with little respect. I didn’t think “I never want to get on your bad side” was code for “I’ll avoid you because I don’t care enough but I will still like stuff on your facebook and act like we are cool.” I never really understood what was meant by my “bad side”. Don’t we all have a “bad side” or am I just the only one who doesn’t avoid something when it comes to fixing the issue even if the issue is one sided? Eh, but what do I know? That shit is dead any way so no point in figuring that out.

Side Rant: What the fuck is up with people liking the shit out of my facebook? Acting like they know my life but can’t acknowledge a bitch via cellular. Like hop off my dick, fuck nugget! Ain’t nobody got time for dat!

Anywho, in that same weekend of mass chaos and furry, I received a text from one of my teammates and new friend, a friend I’ve never met in person, letting me know that she has requested off work the same weekend of my competition. If she can get off from work, she plans on taking a trip out to come support my first time on stage. This little whore lives in San Diego and she is thinking of going to NJ to come watch my debut and visit her fam at the same time! It really is amazing the relationships that I’ve been developing through this training and the amount of support I have been receiving from girls I haven’t even met yet.

So here I am learning to let go (and let blog). Some people will just never be who they say they are or maybe they have been themselves all along and I refused to see it. Maybe I’ve changed; some may say for the worst and I may say go fuck yourself. I guess you just never really know a person until they like your shit on facebook.

 

xoxo

Kristine

 

Holy Butt Nuggets!

So much is happening that I don’t know what to do with myself!

1. I deleted my personal facebook account. I made this decision because I am finding myself too distracted with things and certain individuals on da book.  I’m allowing these distractions take away from my training because I can’t shut my mind off from it. So in order to stay focused I made the choice to delete the page for now.  Don’t fret, I’ll get back on in August.   In the mean time I created a facebook page for my blog where I will continue to add updates regarding my training.  Anything I do online I want it to be goal related.  With that said if you have not already “liked” the page here is the link for your liking enjoyment.  Go nuts: Beauty in the Buff’s Facebook Page

2. My sister and her fiancé (so weird saying that) suggested I start vlogging.  It’s actually something I have thought about and I even made a youtube channel for when I am ready try it out.  My hesitations and insecurities with vlogging are basically no different than they were when I started my blog.  So I am just going to have to jump right in and go nuts with it.  However, it certainly wouldn’t hurt if you had any suggestions of specific topics you want to see.

3. Most exciting news of all! I have briefly mentioned that I was going to be writing an article for an online magazine.  Actually maybe I haven’t…I am going to be writing an article for an online magazine!  The article is based on my decision to compete and an overview of what has been happening.  If the article gets a good response I will do a 6 week follow up with them and a final competition post.  It will be going live on June 4th and I am nervous-excited about this. I don’t consider myself a writer and I am still shocked when people tell me they like my blog. And here I am, challenging myself in another unknown way in hopes to get good feedback.  What is going on with my life? Who am I right now?

As it gets closer I will definitely update you on where you can catch my article but in the mean time be prepared for some minor freakout insecure moments.  They will happen.

Despite these great things my training has sucked.  I’ve been mentally suffering but slowly coming back.  My motivation is low, very low. I’m just going through the motions without any purpose and it is killing me inside because I am the 12 week mark.  Typically 12 weeks is when people start training and even though there are other first timers like me who started further out than that, in my head I keep thinking, “all of my competition is going hard now. No room for error!” Unfortunately this week has been error filled and it is stressing me out.  I know I need to let it go, brush off the day and keep moving forward.  I also know that I will be able to do that but I just needed it to happen yesterday.

Despite my mental break downs and crazy moments, I keep reminding myself that I am right where I should be.  Things like this article and blog are becoming constant reminders that good things are happening so don’t give up!

I won’t. I may get a little crazy, but I won’t give up.  Not this time.

xoxo

Kristine

Relentless Forward Motion

Oh kids…mommy had a break down.

I don’t know if it is because I’ve reopened unresolved issues with my sports psychologist and now my hidden emotions have resurfaced or if it is because my damn period is all thrown off and my hormones are out of control.  It could be a combo of both but I am pretty sure the first one plays a heavy toll on how I have been feeling the past couple days.

This cloud has been hanging over my head since last week and each day it got darker and darker.  Saturday I semi snapped and cheated on my diet. I was able to bounce back but it was a wavering fight.  But yesterday, oh yesterday…the crazy came out and I was at a point of no return. I felt like the same person I was months ago and I completely abused my body with straight starvation and an ungly binge.

After my beating I came home and metaphorically curled up in fetal position as my inner mean girl continue to kick me above the ear, nose and throat. (That’s a line from “Will & Grace” by the way. Best. Show. Ever.)  And as I laid in my bed mentally sobbing I stumbled across this on Instagram…

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I read it and stopped breathing, literally. I’ve never felt so inspired by a quote before. Yea, I’ve related to quotes before, but this one….this one punched me in the gut and has left a mark.

This morning I got up, unmotivated, but continued the motions in getting ready for my fasted cardio.  And through the process I remembered this pictured and I thought back on how I have lived my life.  I had two choices: I could stay this girl, this mean ugly girl, or find a way to kick that bitch in face with new-found muscular legs.

and well…

I knocked that motha fucka out…She ain’t winning this one! Boop!

relentless.forward.motion

xoxo

Kristine

Beauties in the Buff: Tillotson Twins

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Name: Amy and Lauren Tillotson (Tillotson Twins)

Age: Identical Twins -24 years old; 1 minute apart 😉

Feel free to contact us with any questions or simply to say hello

Amy: Afitlifestyle1@gmail.com (IG: @amy_till)

Lauren: letillotson@gmail.com (IG: @law_till)

What’s your story? Were you athletic? Had weight issues? How was your life growing up and how did it relate to your body/health/fitness? Where to begin?! We have been playing sports since we were 4 years old. We can remember kicking the soccer ball around before we could even say our ABC’s. Playing on sports teams has been a huge part of our life ever since we were young. We played soccer, basketball, ran track, swam competitively and even danced on competition teams. We can both say that we would not be where we are today without sports. They truly have made us who we are. We were never those kids with that one gift or unspoken talent, but we were those kids that knew how to work hard and we grew to learn thatIMG_2289 hard work WOULD pay off one day. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that all the hard work you put into something will actually pay off, especially when you’re young. There are many times you doubt yourself, you doubt the time, the work, the journey, it can become a very frustrating process and there is certainly no doubting that. However, very quickly you learn and realize that nothing worth having in life is handed to you. Well maybe if you win the lottery but luck is something out of your control right;). We knew if we wanted something we would have to work for it, we would have to take control of our future. We could give you many life examples, but we will just tell you about one for now.

We were about 13 years old and soccer was our love, our passion, and we knew we wanted to play in college someday (which we did). For those of you not familiar with the soccer world, there is something called the ODP team or the Olympic Development Program. In short, every state has an ODP team where you have to go through a number of try-outs over the course of several months to be selected to make the elite soccer team of 20. There were hundreds of girls trying out and amongst the crowd there were many of our teammates and opponents. After making it through the first few rounds of try-outs, we were at the last try-out with maybe 50 girls left for the 20 final spots. After that final try-out you wait for a final decision letter in the mail. You knew that if the letter was large, you made it, if not; it was a sheet of rejection. I would love to tell you that we made the team, but we did IMG_0628not. I remember coming home from school in the afternoon to that paper thin envelope on the kitchen table. After the 4 long months of trying out, we received the letter in the mail that confirmed we did not make the team. It’s a hard thing to swallow when you’re young and a lot of your friends and teammates make the team that you worked so hard to be a part of. It would have been so easy to pack it in right then and there, believe me we considered it, but we knew that wasn’t us. We were determined to make the team the following year, whatever it took; we didn’t want to face rejection once again. That year we spent countless hours down at our middle school kicking the soccer ball against the brick wall, our dad got us into speed and strength training, and we took every opportunity to make ourselves that much better. A lot of blood, sweat and tears went into training and sacrifices had to be made. The next year we made that ODP New York State Team and it was the best feeling in the world. Yes, receiving that huge envelope was extremely exciting but the reward came from all the hard work to make sure we achieved our goal. If someone tells you, you can’t do something—–let that be the fire to PROVE THEM WRONG!

Needless to say we had many obstacles throughout our lives but one of the most important lessons we learned at a young age was that it’s not how many times you get knocked down but it’s how many times you get back up and keep pushing forward. Even though we are identical twins and played on all the same sports teams growing up, we did have some different experiences (we can maybe save some of these stories for future posts). We were lucky enough to have that little extra push most of the time; yes, we are best friends but we are also each other’s fiercest competition. With all of that being said…fitness has played a huge role in our lives and we know it is only going to have a bigger impact in not only our lives in the years to come but the people around us as well.

When is your competition? Is this your first? Our competition is on August 10th in New Jersey with Kristine J. This is the first competition for all three of us. It has definitely been quite the journey so far but a rewarding one. Preparing for a competition is no easy task and luckily having the support of friends going through the same experience helps you push through even on the toughest days.

What made you decide to compete? Out of all IFBB Pros why did you chose Jessica Arevalo to coach you? Lauren and I have been competing all our life whether it was for college preseason, track meets, a national soccer championship, a college soccer game or even getting into shape for spring break! We have always had a goal in mind and worked hard to achieve that goal. Now, being away from the college scene for over 2 years, we have realized that having a goal in mind helps drive you to be your best. We finally decided after following several competitors on IG, that we should compete. I witnessed a small glimpse of it while photo-5 copypersonal training and getting into the fitness industry last year; however, once I started my full-time job in accounting I pushed the idea of competing to the back-burner. Not until about 2 months ago did Lauren and I decide that there is never a perfect time for anything in life, so in March we reached out to Jessica Arevalo to be our coach. We knew it was time to make our dreams of competing in an NPC bikini competition a reality. We knew that Jessica was the right person to help guide us to reach that dream. Jessica is a huge inspiration to not only us but to so many people around the world. Her positive spirit, incredible physique and knowledge of the sport are just a few of the things that make Jessica the perfect fit to be our coach.

 

How long have you been prepping and how are you feeling? We have been prepping for a little over a month now, the first week or two were definitely the hardest. The first few days we had to force the 6 meals down our throat since we weren’t used to eating so frequently. Not to mention we both work in an office setting so our colleagues definitely had to get used to the constant smell of food. Plus it took about a week or two to explain to everyone who walked by my desk why I was eating “lunch” at 10 a.m. Amy and I found our bodies weak at times and craving everything salty and sweet. Also, it must have been a freaky coincidence that everyone in my office had a birthday in those first two weeks, so the birthday goodies lingering in the office only made things that much harder.photo-6

When Amy and I would come home from our 10 hour plus days of work, the last thing we wanted to do was clean our Tupperware and pack up our meals for the next day. Needless to say our sisterly fights were at an all-time high. We definitely weren’t used to the time consuming meal prep and costly trips to the grocery store and Costco (granted we were buying for two!) We have finally got ourselves into a regular routine where we dedicate about 3 hours every Sunday to cooking all of our meals for the week. Sometimes we need to do a smaller round of meal prep mid-week since we run out of food; you would think we were feeding a family of 10!

Now on about our 5th week we are feeling great and more motivated than ever. I wouldn’t say that every week that goes by it gets easier, but I will say it gets more enjoyable and rewarding. The small changes you see in yourself not only physically but mentally are so motivating and keep you pushing to that next step, that next day, just one step at a time you climb that ladder to the top.

What is the hardest part about prepping for a competition so far? What keeps you motivated? I would have to say the hardest part has been the diet. Lauren and I have always been into training especially playing sports all of our lives and going to college to play soccer at the D1 level. The diet has been a struggle and as Lauren mentioned above eating so frequent was something we weren’t used to. It has been getting easier but it’s definitely a learning process in terms of meal prep and how to get it all done as efficiently and painless as possible. We have always eaten relatively clean but on the weekends Lauren and I would indulge in our photo-5favourite-sweet potatoes fries, ice cream or we would bake a nice, warm batch of chocolate chip cookies (my mouth is starting to water already). Even though our soccer glory days ended about 2 years ago, we kept very similar eating habits thinking we still needed the energy to go to a 3-hour soccer practice. Luckily, we have learned that food=fuel and should provide the body with clean nutrients so we can function at our best.

The motivation is the progress you see, yet minimal to none at times, it’s the small changes that add up to big ones. Your support system is also a huge motivating factor as positive vibes from the people around you can only keep you pushing and working towards that goal.

Has training changed you? If so, in what way? Even though Lauren and I have trained for certain events or games ever since we were very young whether it was a soccer championship, a track meet, swim competition, college game or you know that “ideal” spring-break bikini-bod; this training is different. The workouts isolate and focus on specific body parts rather than for instance, a total-body 45min workout. It really challenges you physically and mentally. After a typical 10-hour workday, it’s so easy to come up with why you don’t want to go to the gym. Oh we have been there, the million excuses, we know a lot of you can relate. The list goes on….I’m tired, I’m hungry, I’m stressed, it’s too late to work out, I don’t want to get back in my car, it’s only one day, there is always next week. We have all been there, probably more times than not, but we have learned that those who want to see a change, those who want to live a better and healthier life aren’t listening to their excuses, they are ignoring them and just doing it. That’s the Nike slogan right, JUST DO IT

What are your fitness goals and what are you hoping to accomplish with this prep/competition? Our fitness goals are a life long journey. Our short-term goal is to compete in our first NPC competition but we hope to inspire those around us to live a fit and healthy lifestyle. Throughout the competition prep and show we hope to learn about ourselves and grow as a person, athlete and competitor.

Last words, for now… DON’T EVER GIVE UP! It’s NEVER too late to make your dreams come true! Also, thanks Kris for giving us this opportunity xo

What Motivates Me?

The other day I posted a picture of my fabulously developed ass and legs. I apologize for my new found arrogance but I can’t help but be obsessed with my growing ass. Anyway, one of my friends from college commented on the picture asking if there was any other motivation behind my training aside from doing this for myself. I sat there for about a good minute before I could answer that question. What has been motivating me never really crossed my mind and she really got me thinking.

When I first made the decision to compete it really stemmed from vanity. I wanted to be buff and look good, end of story. However as time went on I discovered a whole new side of myself. But in order for me to get there I had to open up old wounds in order to get to the good place. It was hard, really hard. I felt lonely, psychotic, depressed, the whole world seemed to be against me in my eyes. I had little motivation and my training was not consistent. In working with my sports psychologist I was able to work through these things. These issues are still present and I’m still in the process of healing, however I am in a better place and am learning to reframe my thoughts.

When I was able to get there, which I would honestly say clicked about a month ago, everything changed. I began to love my training and the diet was getting easier. I was pushing myself harder every day in the gym and leaving looking like I just came out of pool. Life seemed brighter and new friendships started developing. All of a sudden I was not alone in this sport; I had teammates!

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These girls have made each day a little bit easier. We may not be able to work out with each other because we live in different states; however we have each others back and root each other daily. It’s nice to be able to share the excitement of rice cakes and new random bland recipes with each other. Also, I will actually be competing with Amy & Lauren in August. And even though there is only one first place trophy, there is still a sense of camaraderie and support we have for each other. Honestly, it is just exciting to be on that stage with the bodies we worked so hard for and that is a prize in itself.

Something I started on my own was buying a planner; this thing is my life. I write down inspiration quotes, notes on Buddhism, blog ideas, schedule out all my priorities with this sport…etc. I also keep my gym journal in there. I keep track of my diet and work out plan and when I’m done I write down how I felt. Was this a “first call out” work out or did I not even come close to making the cut? And photo7most importantly, where was my head?  Sometimes my mind is not in it and I need to write down why. I have a section in my journal for when I get the urge to cheat or skip the gym. This usually comes from some source of emotion and getting it out on paper seems to help. Not all the time, but I have a 50/50 change of making it through. This planner, my life, has allowed me to look back and realized how much progress I have made and that keeps me going.

Then there are you. Never in my life did I ever think I would receive the amount of support and love that I get on a daily basis from this blog and my goal itself. There have been days where I wanted to give up because just felt so guilty for my screw ups. I don’t know if it was a coincidence or planned by the universe but someone out there knew it was the right time to send me love. The encouraging messages I’ve gotten keep me going because I know you are rooting me on. I appreciate all the kind words that have been said by new friends, old friends and the people that don’t even know me outside this blog.

At the end of the day I am doing this for myself. I do it because it makes me feel good. Actually, it makes me feel amazing. Every day my love for my training photo3grows stronger, my excitement for the stage becomes overwhelming and I cannot freaking wait to see what the outcome is going to be! I’ve found motivation coming from all areas of my life to keep going and I thank you for being a part of that!

With all my love,
Kristine