I have been having a difficult time staying positive lately. All the mental clutter has been bringing me down and I have been allowing this stress to cloud my goal. The truth is I’ve never handled challenges in my life well at all which has resorted to years of self-abuse. I’ve abused myself physically and mentally and just all around tortured myself in mental prison.
I can’t tell you how many self-help/inspirational books I’ve read and I’ve loved every single one of them. But it takes the individual to be ready to actually receive this kind of information and to be mentally free of all negative thoughts. My decision to compete just “came to me”. It was something I had been wanting to do and one day I woke up and I was ready. My goals for competing was at first pure vanity but eventually morphed into a life changing transformation. I was not only ready to compete, but I was ready to work on escaping this prison.
Everything happens for a reason.
This morning I woke up feeling crappy and negative. It was a mood that had been following me for a week and I couldn’t shake it. I’ve been reading a lot on Buddhism, trying to connect to my spiritual self, and finally made the decision to meditated. That was not a walk in the park let me tell you. Trying to quiet your mind is extremely difficult especially when negative thoughts flow through like water through a river. I probably accomplished a moment of silence for 5 secs, but those 5 secs made a huge difference.
I felt calm, at peace and was ready to hit the gym. I decided to wear the brightest gym apparel I own since I usually wear black. I love black and my prissy side hates visible sweat stains. I got over the priss and realized how good it felt to be in bright colors and seeing the benefits of my hard work was a nice bonus. By the way, Is anyone else noticing the shape in my legs? No? Ok, well I do…heey guuurrll 😉
This gym sesh was probably the best I had ever had; I was focused and motivated. My mentality had switched from negative to positive and I felt open to receiving good things to come into my life. After the gym something happened where I felt disappointment by multiple people who I would consider close to be me and I quickly bounced back to old habits.
I was pissed. I was pissed because of the disappointment and pissed at myself for letting other people bring me down. Even though I had a moment that I didn’t like I was able to get out of it faster then the Old Kristine would have. This training has opened my eyes to a lot of things and it has made me reevaluate what it is I am trying to accomplish in my life and who is going to be apart of it. As difficult as it is changes will be made and people will be let go.
That’s just the way of the world, my world.
“Becoming a master means willingness to let go of whatever isn’t working in your life. Letting go of the familiar is hard.”