I’m sure every adult remembers praying for some ridiculous thing as a kid; like a unicorn or a castle. When I was six years old I prayed every night to be 5’8” with big boobs. God can attest to this. The only other ridiculous thing I ever prayed for was to meet Michael Jackson because I was convinced I was going to marry him. I am still very disappointed over this failed prayer but that is another long post to share.
Now I don’t consider myself much of a religious person. In fact, I have my doubts about this God man everyone talks about. I do believe there is a higher power and I think only reason why I have that belief is well, guess what? I’m 5’8” with big boobs! Obviously somebody was listening. Now if I had only prayed for an ass…
I don’t why I was obsessed with being 5’8″. I some how knew that was a tall height and I thought my mom was tall and I wanted to be just like her (she is 5’1” by the way). My obsession with boobs on the other hand came from my excitement for being a woman. It was my dream to be able to wear high heels, fancy dresses and have big boobs to suffocate people with.
In my 6th grade health class we started to get “the talk”. Not the sex talk, but the “your body is going to start changing” talk. I was elated! We even got little brown paper gift bags with “secret” feminine products and I couldn’t wait for the day to be able to use my cute little pad. Seriously, what was I thinking? My health teacher began to explain to us that when we start growing our little boobies we are going to notice this Lima Bean type mass under our breast. I had no idea when or how this bean was going to pop up and I honestly didn’t even know what a Lima Bean was. But I wasn’t worried because me and God had a deal.
Not too long after that chat, I was in the mall with my mom with my arms crossed when all of a sudden, “MOM! MOM! I HAVE A LIMA BEAN! I HAVE A LIMA BEAN!! LOOK! LOOK! TOUCH IT!” I was in the middle of the store, poking my child breast trying to prove to my mom I had a Lima bean. My mom’s reaction was a mix of embarrassment and confusion. What the hell is a Lima bean? Like, really? Who tells their child that this legume is going to start growing under your skin? That could be quite scary for young kids to hear. As a mother, I am sure you can’t really ignore a child poking her breast and screaming Lima Bean. So she rushed me into the changing room so I could shut up and show her my bean.
Man, I was so excited to be growing my boob. Yes, it was just one at the time; the left to be exact, and I could not wait to go home and tell my dad. The first thing that came out of my out of my mouth at the dinner table was, “Daddy, guess what? I’m growing….”
I sat there with my head held high and my Lima bean in the air. My dad just looked at me in shock and almost choked on his food. Apparently my mom kicked him under the table so he wouldn’t say something to crush my excitement and that point all he could do was Congratulate me.
Ahhh…one of the happiest days of my life….the day I discovered my Lima bean. I stopped praying after that because I know these big knockers were coming in and would be taking the world by storm. But the anticipation of my soon to be large breast were killing me. Every night before I showered I stared at my profile in the mirror in my training bra. I would suck in my stomach so my ribs would pop out and pull my pathetic bra under my ribs to give me the illusion of what boobs looked like in a bra. #truestory
Now when ever I suck in my stomach to check out my profile, it is only to see my imaginary wash board stomach.
Hmm…maybe I should start praying again?